As we discussed before, when the closet door started to open- the light was very bright indeed. At times I even would think of the old "Z.Z. Top" standard- The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades" or something like that.
At other times, I wanted to scurry back into the comfort of my closet as fast as I could. One of the questions I am asked a lot is "How did I get so far out there?" Or, as my therapist said "You are really out there!".
Here's how it worked in a thousand words or less:
As I made my way into the world, people wanted to talk to me. For the longest time I would basically run and shy away from any interaction at all. Surely the world would come to an end if the person initiating the communication would discover my deep dark secret. (If they didn't already know)
Finally I gathered all my courage and started to talk to people. First women and then men. During the process I came to two major self discoveries.
Of course my voice was (and is) a major concern. I read all the information I could on feminine resonance and pitch and asked the very few people who knew me both ways what they thought. Their answer was my voice was basically the same with a higher pitch and much softer. So far so good? Yes- sort of. I became used to being a mimic. I would try to match my tone and resonance with the woman I was talking with. I was like a parrot. I perfected a very basic set of words and phrases. On the other hand, if I had to get out of my comfort zone and put together a complete conversation, it was still a major struggle. To get past the problem required major changes in my thought pattern.
My ideal always was to present as close to a genetic woman as I could. To blend it's called and my whole experience of going out hinged on that process. In essence I think my male ego was dominating the process. Here's how I changed. I stored the ego in another closet and realized I may never present as a genetic woman to all of the people ever. On the other hand, there was absolutely nothing wrong with presenting as a transgender woman. On the chance I did present female I was coming off as an unfriendly bi--h or even worse a trans one. Tragically I was missing a huge part of my new life.
At that very moment my life began to change. People could get to know the real me and I wasn't hiding anything. Even if they knew I wasn't a genetic she, they started to treat me as a real she-just different.
I do want to point out that none of this has been a bed of roses. Again I have to say what I have written here occurred over a decade with many defining moments - good and bad.
One of the biggest came on the first date I ever had with a man. I rehearsed in my mind seemingly thousands of times how to act like a woman. Before I knew it the night was upon me and the most amazing thing happened. I didn't have to act at all. She was in me all the time.
Now what? Next!