I adore Modelling. I also love being in a Relationship. And I think most Transwomen would love both too. So why is it that both seem so far out of reach for so many of us? Let me share a little about me (hey! I’m a Model! Isn’t it always about Me?....!).
I’m 48. I’ve travelled the Spectrum. From fishing around in Moms’ underwear drawer as a kid, to being fully closeted but voraciously dressed in my teens, to hiding it from my first Wife in my 30s, to being totally Trans with my second Wife in my 40s.
And now I’ve arrived. To Here. And Here is a very respectable domestic life as a Transwoman.
Okay, I’m on my own now (again), but I have my own place, my own job, and live life as a woman.
My “Boob-Job Bank Balance” never seems to grow as fast as the pairs of heels in my wardrobe, but I tell myself they are unrelated. Handbags multiply like rabbits. Flowers adorn my kitchen table and bedroom. Hey, life’s not bad.
And amazingly, almost by accident, I discovered Modelling.
A tipsy night led to a friend taking way too many pictures of me, in a state that was way too undressed.
But the results (my friend later told me) were pretty good.
A cautious posting on a modelling site with these initial images, lea to a host of surprising requests from seasoned Photographers to shoot more. Its grown from there to the point where I can enjoy a shoot pretty much every week.
Its been emancipation – truly unrestricted, unfettered, release. Fab outfits, wonderful compliments, ego and vanity simultaneously soothed and enhanced. All my desires for expression and imagination are released in each shoot. I simply could not have wished for a better introduction.
And the crazy thing is, I’m in Demand. Who’d a thunk it? A 48-year-old Transwoman with a stunted Boob-Job Bank Balance is beginning to receive her first paid commissions. I’m truly flying.
But when I look around, I know of only two other Transwoman models registered on the multitude of sites and agencies. Why is this? I can’t believe that we three are the only Transwomen in the UK that would enjoy modelling.
Let me come back to this. I think part of the answer lies in the question of why so few Transwomen are in a long-term relationship (let’s use “LTR” to keep your interest).
So many of my Trans friends are in relationships that are simply no good for either party. Some are violent. Some are lacking any degree of meaningful engagement. Some have tremendous highs, but equally damaging lows. And none of them seem to last longer than 60 days.
Its like some Transwoman Relationship Clock is provided with your first bra; both are going to come undone when you least expect it.
I also see the reckless speed and abandon (I’ve done it myself) when launching into these relationships; very exciting in those bright early days, but nail-pulling painful when exiting.
It feels, at times, that we seem so happy, so pleased, that someone wants to endorse us as a Transwoman, that we will leap into a LTR with much less care and thought than we apply to considering our next shade of lipstick.
And enjoying success at Modelling and LTRs would come down to, therefore, the big C word: Confidence.
Easy to say. Okay to spell. And it’s like nailing jelly to a ceiling to maintain it consistently at a high level.
I think I may have finally figured it out (which is why I’m writing this essay; I hope it saves others 20 years of trying to come round to the notion that Confidence can be the biggest obstacle, and conversely, the most powerful enabler).
So, today I think I’m doing okay at the Modelling, and not so good at the LTR part.
If it’s just a question of Confidence, or any of its associated flavours of Self-Assuredness, Self-Love (not that kind. That’s a later -and infinitely more enjoyable- essay), faith, and conviction, then I’m sure I can crack it.
That’s why I’ll be sat in a bar in Manchester this coming Friday, replete in my best come-hither dress and heels, doing my best to get to first base in the LTR World Series. Lipstick to max. Nails to kill. A kiss to thrill.
Wish me luck.